Monthly Archives: April 2016

  1. On Her Majesty’s 90th Birthday - Gifts Galore

    On Her Majesty’s 90th Birthday

    Gifts Galore

     Sound drums and trumpets, far and near!

    And Let all Queen Elisabeth’s subjects loudly cheer!

    And show by their actions that they revere,

    Because she’s served them sixty three year!

    All hail to the owner of corgis and Great Britain’s Queen!

    Long may she live happy and serene!

    And as this is now her ninetieth year,

    I hope her subjects will show their loyalty without fear.

    Therefore let all her subjects rejoice and sing,

    Until they make the welkin ring;

    And let young and old on this her birthday be glad,

    And cry, “Long Live our Queen!” and don’t be sad.

     After William Topaz McGonagall, the very Prince Charles of poets

    Metre About Meters

    The news that the Poet Laureate Glasgow’s own Carol Ann Duffy is to write

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  2. Is Nessie Back from His Hols?

    Is Nessie Back from His Hols?

    Loch Ness Monster Tries City Break In London!

    Have you been to Loch Ness, tried to swim its length or water ski up and down it for the record books, well me neither? But I have always been fascinated by the idea of a creature of some descriptions swimming on the cold murk of the loch. Ness is over twenty miles long and to say its fresh waters are chilly is to suggest warmth that the word chilly can’t quite reach. It is very cold, very dark and very deep.  Its deepest point is some 755 feet which makes it the deepest on our island. Much of that depth is because Loch Ness is above sea level.

    Now you would be surprised to hear that in the cold depths of London someone has seen our Nessie on his or her holidays.  They posted a video from one of the gondolas of the Emirates Air Line cable car over the Thames. Surprisingly enough it was first posted on April 1, but a good conspiracy theorist shouldn’t

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  3. Cardboard Coppers Give Fife a Scare

    Cardboard Coppers Give Fife a Scare

    Life Size Cut Outs Designed to Shock Speeders

    It is obvious that the police in Fife want you to take notice of the law, but their way of going about it has raised a few eyebrows. It seems a simple and effective way to stop speeders in cars is to prop a life size cardboard copper on the streets aiming a speed gun at you and car speeds drop dramatically.  They call the fak  bobby Pop Up Bob.

    Pop Up Bob

    And in case the locals get savvy to the scheme they will move the cardboard figures around Fife. Well it seems that getting out of the house gets more expensive by the moment what with last year;s drive, sorry for the pun, by Police Scotland to warn and then fine speeders who were just a couple of miles over the limit. Usually used to get 10% over plus two miles an hour before you got a fine, but last year’s initiative was much more zero tolerance based. One warning in writing and then

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  4. Do You Get Out of Breath Running for the Bus?

    Do You Get Out of Breath Running for the Bus?

    In new research from the British Heart Foundation we are all shocked to find that about half of the population can’t run for the bus without feeling rather poorly and out of breath.

    42 per cent of men confessed to this and we all know men will exaggerate their physical prowess, because I do! While a more honest 48% of women said they were done in by sprinting for the number 26.

    Oh Dear

    Lots of us claimed that we could run for half a mile, about 47% that is and one in three said they could go for a mile. But when questioned more fully those who said they could run a mile hadn’t actually done so for the last ten years.

    Don’t Get Stuck on the Bus

    This is all worrying stuff and the sensible thing is to do more exercise, but you can’t do that if you are stuck on the number 26 with the women from the bungalow on the corner who has rampant

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  5. Don’t Lose Your Head - Use It Instead

    Don’t Lose Your Head

    Use It Instead

    You might remember when I wrote  a fan piece about Lord Lovat’s piper Bill Millen who piped the boys ashore on D Day in 1944, but today I am writing about one of Lovat’s more notorious ancestors Simon Fraser the  11th Lord Lovat who was the last men ever  beheaded in Britain, who lost his head the year after the failed uprising of 1745.

    Game of Thrones?

    Simon Fraser was a bit of a laddie and was born in 1667. His life reads like an extract from the colourful and dark Game of Thrones. Unable to marry the heir to the title of lord Lovat he forced his affections , and I mean forced, onto the heir’s mother Amelia and married her under duress.  Rightly accused of the rapine he fled to France and affected the Jacobite cause – the aim of which was to restore the Stuarts to the British thrones.  Just

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  6. Are You Sitting on a Mountain of Small Change?

    Are You Sitting on a Mountain Million of Small Change?

    Spring Cleaning Cleans Up

    THE RIVER BANK- REVISITED!

    The Mole had been working very hard all the morning, spring-cleaning his little home. First with brooms, then with dusters; then on ladders and steps and chairs, with a brush and a pail of whitewash; till he had dust in his throat and eyes, and splashes of whitewash all over his black fur, and an aching back and weary arms. Spring was moving in the air above and in the earth below and around him, penetrating even his dark and lowly little house with its spirit of divine discontent and longing. It was small wonder, then, that he suddenly flung down his brush on the floor, said 'Bother!' and 'O blow!' and also 'Hang spring-cleaning!' and bolted out of the house without even waiting to put on his coat. Something up above was calling him imperiously, and he made for the steep little tunnel which answered in

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  7. Booze Cruise? Stay Home with a Dram

    Booze Cruise

    Take A Dram Instead

    If you ever watch ITV then you will be aware of River Cruises and be worried that you may enter their demographic sometime and start to feel warm and cuddly at the thought of a cruise up the Rhine or down the Danube. Ooh No!

    The wife and I often joke about whether we are old enough to be worried yet. So far we are okay, but ageing everyday of course.

    But then there I was watching the news about the silly young woman who was rescued in a pair of shorts and equipped only with a ‘selfie’ stick on top of Ben Nevis in the middle of a blizzard when my mind started to drift towards a warm weather cruise, so I let my fingers do the walking while carefully avoiding the river cruise.

    Fingers Did the Walking

    I searched for a bit of a break. Of Course I’d like to leave from Scotland. Well an hour later I am sure it is the last thing I want to do. I can have a

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  8. Parking Charges Make Shopping a Nightmare

    Parking Charges- It’s Officially a Rip Off

    Some Scottish Councils Profiteer at Your Expense

    Have you ever wondered why you are penalised when you park the car and go shopping, maybe overstaying by a tiny bit and then the might of parking enforcement descends upon you in the only bit of Scots law that allows a disproportionate response to the offence, i.e. the parking fine.

    Wracked by the Council

    It’s because councils are racking up the charges to fill their dwindling coffers. A leading motoring organisation, lets’ call it the RAC because that’s who it is, has revealed council profits from parking charges have risen by a fifth in recent years.

    Who Pays Dares

    When analysed the returns of the Scottish authorities showed they generated £36.1 million in surplus revenue from parking activities in 2014-15, compared with £30.1m in 2011-12. The capital

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  9. The Small Comic Who Never Short Changed Anyone

    The Small Comic Who Never Short Changed Anyone

    Ronnie Corbett Sadly Missed

    Now you’ll be hard pushed to find a more engaging and likeable entertainer than Ronnie Corbett who starred in the David Frost Show, The Two Ronnies and my all time favourite Sorry, yes that dates me. Well we need to remember all that was wonderful about the Edinburgh born man who graced our screens over 50 years.

    Some Jokes for Folks

    So try these humdingers of jokes that have stood the test of time.

    A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Forth Bridge. The Police are now on the look-out for a dozen hardened criminals.

    A message now for seven honeymoon couples in a hotel in Peebles: Breakfast was served two days ago.

    Getting a Rise from the Audience

    And one for the intelligentsia, all those here who believe in psycho kinesis please raise my left hand.

    And

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  10. What's in a Name?

    A Rose by Any Other Name

    What’s Your Nickname?

    Well you’ll have heard of Auld Reekie, I’ve written about a few times before, but what about the other places in this nation? Or if you are in the second city it is the Dear Green Place.

    One of my favourites is East Kilbride alias the Polo Mint City because it is a city of roundabouts. Think I am kidding, in the town planning day mare that is E K there are nearly 90 roundabouts. Stop me when you want to get off!

    It’s Fair Cop

    The ancient capital of Scotland was Perth – AKA as the Fair City. It was capital for some half a millennia, but lost its city status until very recently.

    Queen of the South  and  home to beautiful countryside is Dumfries which snagged the moniker, although as part of an island it isn’t very far south.

    Honest Guv

    And don’t forget the Musselburgh

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